for fourteen years i wished my father dead at the age of eighteen i buried him it would take another six years to be rid of his physical body it's been a decade since he died, but he still sneaks his whispers through my throat whenever you and i fight grips my vocal cords and squeezes tight strangling tones i wonder sometimes if he thinks that he's defending me or if this is his revenge exposing himself to *my* loved ones sliding his arrogance and his violence beneath words that i'd intended to use soothingly the horror that i feel when i hear myself overridden and see my own responses reflected in yours is the stomp of his feet on my steps the thump-thump-thumping that says a beating's coming it's in the tightening in my chest when you put me in my place when you hold up a mirror for me to see his angry, desperate, lonely face but i'll never be like him i'll never burn myself to set fire to others never revel in the type of winning t...
you tell me that i should try to keep my perspective objective as if i could somehow coerce my consciousness to traverse the boundaries of my me-niverse and rush, unprotected into the crazy, overwhelming crush of unfiltered particles and waves with such a gaze as i've been training since i was born to avoid and in so doing formed the very void that has become my sacred "i" of the storm three eyes have i, to be precise one, looking back in high-definition retro-vision one, now, with myopia and my third eye, my ocular oracle with sight beyond sight the one that sees all the possible futures and fantasies of both fright and flight and i've but barely begun to discover which buttons on my remote control do more than simply select the source or show a picture-in-picture view of my soul how very droll, all this you think that i should leave behind somehow unzip my skin and evacuate my mind to pick some dull, tumbled-out tiss...
my life is full of joys and success and i am hyper aware of just how much i am blessed deep down in my core i am truly grateful but here on the sun-kissed surface of my soul i am dispirited, distressed by every traumatic event by next month's unpaid rent, by every abuse, by every betrayal, by every injustice, by every bend in the trail that was almost a break we're told that depression is a chemical imbalance a physiological malfunction but the truth is that depression is a psychological symptom, not a physical cause perhaps it's "pessimism writ large", or else just "optimism overwritten" i've recently learned how my years of ptsd and burnout are doing the same sort of long-term damage to my prefrontal cortex as psychiatric medication only without the benefits that my personality has been gradually decomposing into a downward spiral stairway through the gates of hell and as i circle around and around i see every interaction's intention as its da...
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