fisher king's wasteland

if i am not happy how do i tell the difference between tired, and unhappy? i sit here on the verge of another cup of coffee with a large agenda of things i'd enjoy i'm not tired, and yet... all i want to do is close my eyes breathe deeply stop.

not a deep, cleansing breath but a deep draught of chocolate rushing through to my fingertips as i tap away on the keyboard of my mind wondering out loud what it is and why it is where it goes and a deep draught of chocolate from the kitsch childhood fantasy fountain sitting in the display the shopkeeper doesn't look at me, and i think, i must be a frightful mess, when suddenly a cold shiver passes through me a ghost! i spin around, just in time to catch a live one's hand passing through me the contact that reminds me which side of the glass i'm on the chocolate euphoria gives way to the usual eternal distress

freedom - it costs nothing because it's worth nothing. it doesn't exist, cannot exist, because in a word it escapes the cage that has no bars, no windows and no doors. it's a relativist construct, a catch-all that protects us from everything we don't like: but it does have a caveat - it cages us in all the things we do. those things that the others don't want us to do. wanting to give others freedom, trying to force them to buy in, is the desire to produce the ultimate torture; the pain of a broken world-view and its exquisitely uncomfortable counterpart, the uncertainty of choice. what is free? where lies responsibility? who possesses the keys to the cage, and in which way do they turn? why do we need to be free when we can have whatever experience we want just by imagining it? and have its pleasure amplified by our knowledge of its forbidden nature?

one minute you think you've got 'em down the next one, it's YOU taken to town! what happened?? i had all the lines: a pledge - to care for the children a pledge - to invest my all in the empire's domination a pledge - to care for the king's wildest fantasies and would you look at THESE lines? i KNOW i'm the curviest of them all! and what did SHE promise?! that whisper of a skinny bitch, her mouth held tightly shut, her nose right up there in the air... a queen? THAT little slut???