Monday, April 4, 2011

listless

  • set up server
  • kill bugs
  • open jars
  • catch up on readings for tomorrow
  • it's a curse
    • it's an affliction
    • this love of the truth
    • the worst addiction
    • forcing changes in my diction
    • and all other kinds of friction
    • i overcompensate
      • for my stupidity
      • by being right all the time
    • with others whose eyes i'm too tired to prise
      • open, i'll try anyway, seeking surprise
      • i wonder how many of us do surmise
      • that most of what we understand are mere lies
    • that we need because our brains are too small to contend
      • with a world filled with a hopeful-less love-and-hate blend
    • living in a country run by little girls and boys
      • pretending to be grown-ups with their guns and other toys
      • their batons and iron bars and nails are joys
      • to behold, in their wisdom in crushing armed ploys
    • two sides of a fence
      • each shaking and braying
      • to protect egg shells of ideologies
      • that just can't keep playing
    • can't survive in a world
      • that doesn't end tomorrow
      • with an i-told-you-so
    • and i'm angry
      • a simmering
      • anger
      • never cooling
      • neither boiling
    • angry all the time
      • because i know what can be
      • but it's not and i want
      • everyone to see
      • with my eyes
        • just like everybody else
      • and i want to be heard
        • just like everybody else
      • but i don't want to play games
        • just like everybody else
      • and i don't want to quit
        • just like everybody else
      • but don't want
      • is all
      • there is
      • left
    • because i'm too busy
      • being who i want to be and
      • still falling short of who i can be and
      • i can't just be because that requires
      • more brains than i've got, or far less
      • and bodies are fragile
      • and silly
      • they age
      • faster
      • the more you live
    • i'm addicted to justifying the world's mistreatment
      • my blind faith in the lack of bad intentions
      • swallowing the bitterness of
      • an unfair innocent world's misfortune
    • do the wise turn it all off?
      • or do they wake up with their gloves on?
      • do they accept the technical knock-out
      • when they know they could do better?
      • or do they take it to round twelve
      • before the doctor steps and urges early retirement?
      • i don't want to retire
        • i want to win
          • if it takes a millennium or
          • if time's winged chariot crumples into a brick wall
            • of inevitability
            • hidden in a cloud
            • lined with silver
            • and edged in shadows
    • how does
      • it feel to be a problem, du bois?
      • i can't see a way sometimes
      • while blinded by disgust and despair
      • that hits me in waves
      • when i accept that this world
      • doesn't want people like me
        • which world?
        • your world
        • your world doesn't want smart
        • your world doesn't want caring
        • your world doesn't want loving
        • your world doesn't want thinkers
          • who want answers
          • and fixes
    • this world prefers
      • sad drones
      • so grateful for
      • the sweetest instant
      • of relief
      • from their
      • completely
      • unnecessary
      • burdens
      • which they accept
      • because they're creatures of habit
      • who've long learned the price of
      • the most powerful word in the universe:
        • NO.
  • finish moving apartments
  • work on seminar
  • take out another loan
  • get some exercise
  • study for exam

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