the return

what does my love mean to you

i ask myself as we lie here
a small glass heart pressed between my palm and your breast
as we lie here in the bottom of our fragile little boat being tossed around on a stormy sea that suddenly materialized out of someone else's cliche to become our reality

what does my love mean to you

after months of trial by fire that began in glorious phoenix flames and has since been reduced to a slow simmering

months of screaming my love for you through someone else's hoarse throat
months of carefully limping across the tightrope of mindfulness on broken legs, with you my crutch and me gripping tightly to all your splinters

who am i when my truth becomes your whore
my blindness your betrayal
when i find myself screaming as i fall out of the window of pain you threw me through because i failed

because i hurt you
because i always hurt you as i dig the way to our salty seawater grave with my rusty good intentions spade
and your hurt is a storm on a lonely sea when mine
mine is an aching emptiness in a frozen land and a handful of bruises just short of my shirt line
and a fracture inside my head that rumbles right before it quakes right before it brings my house down on top of me right before i'm swallowed by the abyss

what does my love mean to you
why is my love mean to you
what more will i put you through and which parts mark the truth
of me and you?

...

a few days later we're on a plane arguing in hushed tones because the universe is doing it's damnedest to show us just how much things aren't resolved and just how much we haven't evolved

in a moment that can't decide between calling itself cruelty or clarity i make a conscious effort to pretend to be compassionate and soft, the perfect man that you need for me to be
i slide a synthetic human skin over the blades and metal plates around my hand grenade heart and for a minute i sit in limbo, staring at the seat in front of me wondering what it means to fake sincerity as a man so fixated on truth and honesty
and then suddenly, with the slip of a split personality that i forgot that i had learned how to be i'm in;
i'm human again and i remember which one, what kind, how i feel and i realize that i don't recall how long it's been since my last fall
i don't know how long i've been empty and angry and raw and when i say the words
i'm sorry
you're right
i've been defensive and abrasive and abusive
that's when i recall that i'm not allowed to be naked, not in front of you, not even in front of me
because i am not my essence
i am a wrapping of life experience and social cues and intelligence over emotions even though mere animal me never has a clue how to do those things that seem that they should just "come naturally"

my core is fight or flight only
and animal me can't cry but you hold me in your arms and you let my tears roll down your cheeks
and you gift me tender words that i don't feel i deserve and my guilt and my loneliness dissolve away in the salt water
and for the first time in what feels like forever we speak the same language as we float out together from the abyss
and as we kiss
i find my words again

you shall not pass

it's not nearly winter yet
but it's warm in the metro
it's heat-wave warm outside too, and i rush downstairs on my way to work
only a little late, not too much
my frozen dinner condensing in my bag at about the same rate as i am in my shirt

horrified, i realize that it's the second of the month and i still haven't renewed my pass
just - like - everyone - else standing sweating and on edge in the stupidly long line snaking to the machine

of course the cashier only takes cash

once again

i step in to the factory line
bottle myself up and do everything in my power to distract myself from that gnawing uneasy feeling that whoever's at the front is wasting time
*they're* not on the clock, *they* don't have a boss to worry about, they've never used the machine before and they certainly don't need to speak any of the languages they could use to ask for help

but this time i'm wrong, it appears, and every minute or so we all shuffle forward
and every few minutes another train goes by that i could've been on, but i'm not, so i resign myself to the never-ending torture of anticipation of those few shuffling steps at a time

i was here last night, i sadistically keep reminding myself, i could have done this last night

i feel my meal thawing
and i guess i'm losing my lunch in more than just the figurative sense

slowly, achingly steadily i approach the front of the line
until i'm merely one body away
then the clock slows down
as a little foreign "lady", dwarfed by the screen and the controls and the giant, looming machine
inserts her pass
then removes it
then repeats the action a couple of times
proceeds to insert her credit card, removes that, repeats the action then starts all over again

between my facepalming fingers i see this twice before my blood boils over to match my skin and the air around me but she keeps her back to the line, no look for help, no recognition that we all have better things to be doing

when i see her reach for her pass one more time something snaps deep inside
i launch myself towards her and growl, pointing an angry finger at the words on the screen that say PRESS THE GODDAMN OKAY BUTTON YOU ASSHOLE in bright, friendly letters
i press it for her, she takes her pass and we're done, with her graciously thanking me, oblivious to the burning hatred and general ill will i bear for her

the next woman, my last obstacle, breezes through like a breath of fresh air

i step up to the machine, perform my rites of passage...

TECHNICAL ERROR, YOUR CARD HAS NOT BEEN CHARGED

that's what happens, i carefully note through a thin film of rage, when more than ten people in a row press the receipt button. and DON'T TAKE THEIR GODDAMNED RECEIPTS.

...

in my head the metro's painted just as red as the little light accompanying the rejection beep.

i try the turnstile anyway.

cattle farming

suddenly, i realized that when i take my coffee
i flick my brown sugar packets just like a junkie flicks the needle
though i flinch to see parents feed their kids to pennywise the clown, referring to him as ronald while they're consumed by their meals to make him happy

for a hundred years we've been lied to about the meaning of "healthy",
because what's good for the economy
isn't what's good for our bodies

rather we stand strapped in to our factory line in industrial paradise
while waiting for the animals on theirs to be chopped into shapes and sizes that we don't recognize before being fed into ours
we're hooked up to suction cups to be milked for our money as we're drawn into the mouth of the medical machine
that connects asses to hearts so that we can last just a little bit longer
that connects tubes of little pills to our pockets as we pass on by
keeping us drugged as we circle around
back to the beginning again

kafka himself couldn't have invented a better abattoir
one in which we wield the knives on ourselves,
one in which we fight to stay on the line
convincing ourselves that it's dangerous to leave

*that's* the power of money, psychological warfare waged in the name of marketing,
corporate influence over academic publishing and an almost fanatical devotion to the decadence of self-destructive gluttony

so forgive me, vegans, when i stand before you,
after you've so bravely tasted the fruit of the tree of knowledge
stepped down off the line,
freed yourself from bondage,
forgive me
for standing here with a puzzled look on my face as you spray snake's venom
and tell me that if i turn back i'll be transformed into a pillar of salt
that those still enslaved are not worthy of redemption
while you storm back and forth frothing at the mouth
shouting traumatic truths at the savagely blinded and wondering why they cringe and flail and defend themselves

you take candy from the mouths of babes but call *their* cries cruel,
when you could be whispering your secret knowledge into their ears to ease their eyelids open

well, i don't want any part of that
so i'm going to form my own little club
and instead of blaming the victims
we're going to take this machine apart
screw by screw
and maybe someday we can shut this factory down
and return to that greener pasture where we shamelessly gave names to *all* the animals

role models

for fourteen years i wished my father dead
at the age of eighteen
i buried him
it would take another six years to be rid of his physical body

it's been a decade since he died, but he still sneaks his whispers through my throat whenever you and i fight
grips my vocal cords and squeezes tight
strangling tones
i wonder sometimes if he thinks that he's defending me
or if this is his revenge
exposing himself to *my* loved ones
sliding his arrogance and his violence beneath words that i'd intended to use soothingly

the horror that i feel when i hear myself overridden
and see my own responses reflected in yours
is the stomp of his feet on my steps
the thump-thump-thumping that says a beating's coming
it's in the tightening in my chest when you put me in my place
when you hold up a mirror for me to see his angry, desperate, lonely face

but i'll never be like him
i'll never burn myself to set fire to others
never revel in the type of winning that made him such a loser
and i will love
with all my heart
and i will love again

even when my heart has been broken

it took me eighteen years to bury my father
and every day that goes by i stand beside his grave
tamping down the shuddering dirt with my spade
and praying
for the strength to make *damned* sure that he stays that way

impact

everything in fighting is technique and conditioning.

i beat up a woman tonight
i'm not proud of myself, but she was asking for it
provocatively standing against the wall
in her tight tank top and short shorts
with her i-can-play-with-the-big-boys look trying to cover up her doe-like eyes

i hate hitting women
i avoid doing it as much as i can
my first time was with a fifty year-old
who laughed as she taunted me
laughed with a grimace as i almost made her pee when i punched her in the bladder

my second time was with a girl so short that all i could see was her head and breasts
and she was convinced that i was aiming for them when i was really swinging for her gut

my third time was with a girl i really had the hots for
and when i refrained from kicking her too hard in the chest she turned a bright shade of red
thinking i'd intended to sexually assault her instead of merely physically

i've since succeeded in knocking out girls who thought they were tougher than me
and even succeeded in making one girl wet herself 'cause she believed she could take me on effortlessly

i certainly taught *her* a lesson

tonight the woman i knocked down was a friend of mine
and after the lesson was over she allowed me to pick her up and show her what i'd done, how i'd done it, how to do it, and how to protect herself from it

through the painful rite of passage what she's been hearing about all along has finally been demystified, deconstructed

and i *almost* feel sorry for the next man who tries to lay his hands on her

musing

golding's narcissus and echo - modernized

source: shakespeare's ovid being arthur golding's translation of the metamorphoses (edited by w.h.d. rouse.)

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The first that of his soothfast wordes had proufe in all the Realme,	The first in all the realm to receive proof of the truth of his words
Was freckled Lyriop, whom sometime surprised in his streame,	Was freckled Lyriop, who was once taken by surprise in Cephisus' waters
The floud Cephisus did enforce. This Lady bare a sonne	The flood god took her by force, and the lady bore him a son
Whose beautie at his verie birth might justly love have wonne.	whose beauty from birth justly deserved all love.	430
Narcissus did she call his name. Of whom the Prophet sage	She called him Narcissus, and asked the wise Prophet
Demaunded if the childe should live to many yeares of age,	if the child would live many years,
Made aunswere, yea full long, so that him selfe he doe not know.	And he answered, Yes, a long life, as long as he does not know himself.
The Soothsayers wordes seemde long but vaine, untill the end did show	The Soothsayer's words seemed profound but empty, until the end of the story showed
His saying to be true in deede by straungenesse of the rage,	His prediction to be true indeed by the strangeness of Narcissus' madness,
And straungenesse of the kinde of death that did abridge his age	And the strangeness of the kind of death that cut his life short
For when yeares three times five and one he fully lyved had,	For when he had lived sixteen years,
So that he seemde to stande beetwene the state of man and Lad,	So that he appeared to be between the stages of man and boy,
The hearts of divers trim yong men his beautie gan to move,	His beauty began to move the hearts of many young men,
And many a Ladie fresh and faire was taken in his love.	And many fresh and fair ladies fell in love with him.	440
But in that grace of Natures gift such passing pride did raigne,	But in light of Nature's gift to him such pride did reign,
That to be toucht of man or Mayde he wholy did disdaine.	That he wholly disdained the touch of any man or maiden.
A babling Nymph that Echo hight : who hearing others talke,	A babbling Nymph named Echo : who hearing others talk,
By no meanes can restraine hir tongue but that it needes must walke,	Could by no means restrain her tongue,
Nor of hir selfe hath powre to ginne to speake to any wight,	nor had the power to begin speaking to anyone,
Espyde him dryving into toyles the fearefull stagges of flight.	Spied him driving fearful stags into snares.
This Echo was a body then and not an onely voyce,	This Echo had a body then and was not only a voice,
Yet of hir speach she had that time no more than now the choyce,	Yet of her speech she had at that time no more choice than now,
That is to say of many wordes the latter to repeate.	That is to say of how many words to repeat.
The cause thereof was Junos wrath. For when that with the feate	The cause thereof was Juno's wrath. For whenever with action	450
She might have often taken Jove in daliance with his Dames,	She might have caught Jove dallying with his Dames,
And that by stealth and unbewares in middes of all his games:	his victims usually taken by stealth and unaware in the midst of all his games:
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This elfe would with hir tatling talke deteine hir by the way,	This elf with her prattling talk would detain her,
Untill that Jove had wrought his will and they were fled away.	Until Jove had had his way and they had fled.
The which when Juno did perceyve, she said with wrathfull mood,	When Juno perceived this, she angrily said,
This tongue that hath deluded me shall doe thee little good :	This tongue that has deceived me shall do you little good :
For of thy speach but simple use hereafter shalt thou have.	For you will only have simple use of your speech from now on.
The deede it selfe did straight confirme the threatnings that she gave.	Her punishment was immediately confirmed.
Yet Echo of the former talke doth double oft the ende	So Echo often repeats the end of the previous speech
And backe againe with just report the wordes earst spoken sende.	And returns precisely the words first spoken.	460
Now when she sawe Narcissus stray about the Forrest wyde,	Now when she saw Narcissus moving about the wide Forest,
She waxed warme and step for step fast after him she hyde.	She blushed warmly and hurriedly followed in his footsteps.
The more she followed after him and neerer that she came,	The more she followed him the nearer she came,
The whoter ever did she waxe as neerer to hir flame.	The hotter she became as if from being nearer to her flame.
Lyke as the lively Brimstone doth which dipt about a match,	Just like lively Brimstone does when a match is dipped in it,
And put but softly to the fire, the flame doth lightly catch.	And is gently put into the fire, the flame lightly catches.
O Lord how often would she faine (if nature would have let)	O Lord how often would she have (if nature would have let her)
Entreated him with gentle wordes some favour for to get?	Entreated him with gentle words for some of his favour?
But nature would not suffer hir nor give hir leave to ginne.	But nature would not go easy on her nor let her begin.
Yet (so farre forth as she by graunt at natures hande could winne)	So (as far as she could get nature to grant her)	470
Ay readie with attentive eare she harkens for some sounde,	She readied herself with attentive ears to listen for some sound,
Whereto she might replie hir wordes, from which she is not bounde.	Whereby she might reply with his words, from which she was not prevented.
By chaunce the stripling being strayde from all his companie,	By chance the young man was separated from all his friends,
Sayde : is there any bodie nie? straight Echo answerde: I.	And said : is there anybody near me? straight away Echo answered: Me.
Amazde he castes his eye aside, and looketh round about,	Amazed he cast his eyes about, and looked around,
And come (that all the Forrest roong) aloud he calleth out.	Then come! (so that all the forest rung) aloud he called out.
And come (sayth she :) he looketh backe, and seeing no man followe,	Then come (said she :) he looked back, and seeing no man following,
Why fliste, he cryeth once againe : and she the same doth hallowe.	Why do you avoid me, he cried once again : and she the same did repeat.
He still persistes, and wondring much what kinde of thing it was	He still persists, and wondering what kind of thing it was
From which that answering voyce by turne so duely seemde to passe,	That produced that answering voice each time,	480
Sayd : let us joyne. She (by hir will desirous to have said,	Said : let us join. She (by her will desirous to say,
In fayth with none more willingly at any time or stead)	In faith with none more willingly at any time or place)
Sayd : let us joyne. And standing somewhat in hir owne conceit,	Said : let us join. And somewhat falling under the spell of her own trick,
Upon these wordes she left the Wood, and forth she yeedeth streit,	Upon these words she left the Wood, and went straight,
To coll the lovely necke for which she longed had so much.	To throw her arms upon the lovely neck for which she had longed so much.
He runnes his way, and will not be imbraced of no such.	He runs away, and will not be embraced by any such as she.
And sayth : I first will die ere thou shalt take of me thy pleasure.	And says : I would rather die before you take pleasure from me.
She answerde nothing else thereto, but take of me thy pleasure.	She answered nothing but, take pleasure from me.
Now when she saw hir selfe thus mockt, she gate hir to the Woods,	Now when she saw herself mocked thus, she returned to the Woods,
And hid hir head for verie shame among the leaves and buddes.	And hid her head for very shame among the leaves and buds.	490
And ever sence she lyves alone in dennes and hollow Caves.	And ever since she lives alone in dens and hollow Caves.
Yet stacke hir love still to hir heart, through which she dayly raves	Yet love still sticks to her heart, through which she daily raves
The more for sorrowe of repulse. Through restlesse carke and care	The more for the sorrow of being repulsed. Through restless strain and worry
Hir bodie pynes to skinne and bone, and waxeth wonderous bare.	Her body wastes away to skin and bone, and becomes wondrously bare.
The bloud doth vanish into ayre from out of all hir veynes,	The blood vanishes into the air from out of her veins,
And nought is left but voyce and bones: the voyce yet still remaynes:	And nothing is left but voice and bones: the voice yet still remains:
Hir bones they say were turnde to stones. From thence she lurking still	Her bones they say were turned to stones. From that time onwards she still lurks
In Woods, will never shewe hir head in field nor yet on hill.	In Woods, and never shows her head in fields or on hills.
Yet is she heard of every man : it is hir onely sound,	Yet she is heard by every man : it is her only sound,
And nothing else that doth remayne alive above the ground.	And nothing else remains alive above the ground.	500
Thus had he mockt this wretched Nymph and many mo beside,	So had he mocked this wretched Nymph and many more besides,
That in the waters, Woods, and groves, or Mountaynes did abide.	That lived in the waters, Woods, and groves, or Mountains.
Thus had he mocked many men. Of which one, miscontent	So had he mocked many men. Of which one, unhappy
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To see himselfe deluded so, his handes to Heaven up bent,	To find himself thwarted so, raised his hands to Heaven,
And sayd : I pray to God he may once feele fierce Cupids fire	And said : I pray to God that he may feel fierce Cupid's fire
As I doe now, and yet not joy the things he doth desire.	As I do now, but not the joy of what he desires.
The Goddesse Ramnuse (who doth wrealce on wicked people take)	The Goddesse Ramnuse (who takes vengeance on wicked people)
Assented to his just request for ruth and pities sake.	Agreed to his fair request out of pity.
There was a Spring withouten mudde as silver cleare and still,	There was a Spring without mud as clear and still as silver,
Which neyther sheepeheirds, nor the Goates that fed upon the hill,	Which neither shepherds, nor the Goats that fed on the hill,	510
Nor other cattell troubled had, nor savage beast had styrd,	Nor any other cattle had troubled, nor any savage beast had stirred,
Nor braunch, nor sticke, nor leafe of tree, nor any foule nor byrd.	Nor branch, nor stick, nor leaf of any tree, nor any birds.
The moysture fed and kept aye fresh the grasse that grew about,	The moisture fed and kept the grass that grew around it fresh,
And with their leaves the trees did keepe the heate of Phoebus out.	And with their leaves the trees kept the heat of Phoebus out.
The stripling wearie with the heate and hunting in the chace,	The young man weary from the heat and from giving chase while hunting,
And much delighted with the spring and coolenesse of the place,	And much delighted with the spring and the coolness of the place,
Did lay him downe upon the brimme : and as he stooped lowe	Did lie down upon the edge of the water : and as he stooped low
To staunche his thurst, another thurst of worse effect did growe.	To staunch his thirst, another far worse thirst grew.
For as he dranke, he chaunst to spie the Image of his face,	For as he drank, he happened to see the Image of his face,
The which he did immediately with fervent love embrace.	Which he immediately embraced with fervent love.	520
He feedes a hope without cause why. For like a foolishe noddie	He fuels a hope without a cause. For like a foolish child
He thinkes the shadow that he sees, to be a lively boddie.	He believes the shadow that he sees, to be a live body.
Astraughted like an ymage made of Marble stone he lyes,	Frozen like an image made of Marble stone he lies,
There gazing on his shadow still with fixed staring eyes.	There gazing on his still shadow with transfixed staring eyes.
Stretcht all along upon the ground, it doth him good to see	Stretched along the ground, it does him good to see
His ardent eyes which like two starres full bright and shyning bee,	His ardent eyes which are bright and shining like two stars,
And eke his fingars, fingars such as Bacchus might beseeme,	And also his fingers, fingers such as might suit Bacchus,
And haire that one might worthely Apollos haire it deeme.	And hair that one might worthily deem Apollo's.
His beardlesse chinne and yvorie necke, and eke the perfect grace	His beardless chin and ivory neck, and also the perfect grace
Of white and red indifFerently bepainted in his face.	Of white and red indifFerently painted on his face.	530
All these he woondreth to beholde, for which (as I doe gather)	All these he wondered to behold, for which (as I gather)
Himselfe was to be wondred at, or to be pitied rather.	He himself was to be wondered at, or rather to be pitied.
He is enamored of himselfe for want of taking heede.	He is enamoured of himself for lack of taking heed.
And where he lykes another thing, he lykes himselfe in deede.	And where he likes another thing, he likes himself indeed.
He is the partie whome he wooes, and suter that doth wooe,	He is the party whom he woo's, and the suiter that woo's,
He is the flame that settes on fire, and thing that burneth tooe.	He is the flame that sets on fire, and the thing that burns too.
O Lord how often did he kisse that false deceitfull thing?	O Lord how often did he kiss that false deceitful thing?
How often did he thrust his armes midway into the spring,	How often did he thrust his arms halfway into the spring,
To have embraste the necke he saw and could not catch himselfe ?	To have embraced the neck that he saw but could not catch himself ?
He knowes not what it was he sawe. And yet the foolishe elfe	He does not know what it was he saw. And yet the foolish elf	540
Doth burne in ardent love thereof. The verie selfe same thing	Burns in ardent love thereof. The very self-same thing
That doth bewitch and blinde his eyes, encreaseth all his sting,	That bewitches and blinds his eyes, increases the pain of its sting,
Thou fondling thou, why doest thou raught the fickle image so ?	You fond thing, why do you strike the fickle image so ?
The thing thou seekest is not there. And if a side thou go,	The thing you seek is not there. And if you move away,
The thing thou lovest straight is gone. It is none other matter	The thing you love will disappear. It is nothing other
That thou dost see, than of thy selfe the shadow in the water.	That you see, than the shadow of yourself in the water.
The thing is nothing of it selfe : with thee it doth abide,	The thing is nothing in and of itself : with you it abides,
With thee it would departe if thou withdrew thy selfe aside.	With you it would depart if you withdrew yourself.
No care of meate could draw him thence, nor yet desire of rest.	No taste for meat could draw him from there, nor desire to rest.
But lying flat against the ground, and leaning on his brest,	But lying flat on the ground, and leaning on his breast,	550
With greedie eyes he gazeth still uppon the falced face,	With greedy eyes he gazes still upon the false face,
And through his sight is wrought his bane. Yet for a little space	And through his sight is his doom wrought. Yet for a short time
He turnes and settes himselfe upright, and holding up his hands	He turns and sets himself upright, and holding up his hands
With piteous voyce unto the wood that round about him stands,	With piteous voice to the wood that round about him stands,
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Cryes out and ses : alas ye Woods, and was there ever any,	Cries out and says : alas you Woods, was there ever any,
That loovde so cruelly as I ? you know : for unto many	That loved so cruelly as I ? you know : for unto many
A place of harbrough have you beene, and fort of refuge strong.	A place of harbour have you been, and strong forts of refuge.
Can you remember any one in all your tyme so long,	Can you remember anyone in all your time so long,
That hath so pinde away as I ? I see and am full faine,	That has so pined away as I ? I see and am fully joyful,
Howbeit that I like and see I cannot yet attaine :	How is it that I like and see and yet cannot attain :	560
So great a blindnesse in my heart through doting love doth raigne.	So great a blindness reigns in my heart through doting love.
And for to spight me more withall, it is no journey farre,	And to spite me more withal, it is no far journey,
No drenching Sea, no Mountaine hie, no wall, no locke, no barre,	No drenching Sea, no Mountain high, no wall, no lock, no bar,
It is but even a little droppe that keepes us two asunder.	It is but a little drop that keeps us two apart.
He would be had. For looke how oft I kisse the water under,	He would be had. For look how often I kiss the water,
So oft againe with upwarde mouth he ryseth towarde mee,	So often again with upturned mouth he rises towards me,
A man would thinke to touch at least I should yet able bee.	A man would think I should at least be able to touch.
It is a trifle in respect that lettes us of our love.	It seems just a trifle that keeps us from our love.
What wight soever that thou art come hither up above.	Whatever man you are come here up above.
O pierlesse piece, why dost thou mee thy lover thus delude?	O peerless piece, why do you evade me your lover?	570
Or whither fliste thou of thy friende thus earnestly pursude ?	Or why do you avoid your friend when so earnestly pursued ?
Iwis I neyther am so fowle nor yet so growne in yeares,	Certainly I am neither so foul nor so old,
That in this wise thou shouldst me shoon. To have me to their Feeres,	That in this way you should shun me. To be my consorts,
The Nymphes themselves have sude ere this. And yet (as should appeere)	The Nymphs themselves have sued before this. And yet (as it appears)
Thou dost pretende some kinde of hope of friendship by the cheere.	You pretend some kind of hope of friendship by your face.
For when I stretch mine armes to thee, thou stretchest thine likewise,	For when I stretch my arms to you, you stretch yours likewise,
And if I smile thou smilest too : And when that from mine eyes	And if I smile you smile too : And when from my eyes
The teares doe drop, I well perceyve the water stands in thine.	The tears drop, I see well that the water stands in yours.
Like gesture also dost thou make to everie becke of mine.	You make similar gestures to every beckoning of mine.
And as by moving of thy sweete and lovely lippes I weene,	And by the moving of your sweet and lovely lips I see,	580
Thou speakest words although mine eares conceive not what they beene.	You speak words although my ears cannot hear what you say.
It is my selfe I well perceyve, it is mine Image sure,	It is myself I see well, it is my own Image surely,
That in this sort deluding me, this furie doth procure.	That in this manner evades me, generates this fury.
I am inamored of my selfe, I doe both set on fire,	I am enamoured of myself, I both set on fire,
And am the same that swelteth too, through impotent desire.	And am the same that is burned too, through impotent desire.
What shall I doe ? be woode or wo ? whome shall I wo therefore ?	What shall I do ? be woo'ed or woo ? whom shall I woo therefore ?
The thing I seeke is in my selfe, my plentie makes me poore.	The thing I seek is in myself, my plenty makes me poor.
O would to God I for a while might from my bodie part.	O I would to God that for a while I might from my body be apart.
This wish is straunge to heare a Lover wrapped all in smart,	This wish is strange to hear a Lover wrapped in hurt,
To wish away the thing the which he loveth as his heart.	Wishing away the thing that he loves as his heart.	590
My sorrowe takes away my strength. I have not long to live,	My sorrow takes away my strength. I have not long to live,
But in the floure of youth must die. To die it doth not grieve,	But in the flower of youth I must die. Dying would not be cause to grieve,
For that by death shall come the ende of all my griefe and paine.	Because by death shall come the end of all my grief and pain.
I woulde this yongling whome I love might lenger life obtaine :	I wish that this young man whom I love might a longer life obtain :
For in one soule shall now delay we stedfast Lovers twaine.	For in one soul we two steadfast Lovers are now detained.
This saide in rage he turnes againe unto the foresaide shade,	This said in rage he turns again to the aforementioned shade,
And rores the water with the teares and sloubring that he made,	And roughs the water with his tears and his slobbering,
That through his troubling of the Well his ymage gan to fade.	That through his troubling of the Well his image began to fade.
Which when he saw to vanish so, Oh whither dost thou flie?	Which when he saw it vanishing so, Oh where do you fly?
Abide I pray thee heartely, aloud he gan to crie.	Stay I pray you heartily, aloud he began to cry.	600
Forsake me not so cruelly that loveth thee so deere,	Do not forsake so cruelly he who loves you so dearly,
But give me leave a little while my dazled eyes to cheere	But give me leave a little while to cheer my dazzled eyes
With sight of that which for to touch is utterly denide,	With the sight of that for which touch is utterly denied,
Thereby to feede my wretched rage and furie for a tide.	Thereby to feed my wretched rage and fury for a time.
As in this wise he made his mone, he stripped off his cote	And in this way he moaned, he stripped off his coat
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And with his fist outragiously his naked stomacke smote.	And with his fist excessively struck his naked stomach.
A ruddie colour where he smote rose on his stomacke sheere,	Where he struck on his stomach a ruddy colour rose sheer,
Lyke Apples which doe partly white and striped red appeere.	Like Apples which are partly white and striped red appear.
Or as the clusters ere the grapes to ripenesse fully come :	Or as the clusters of grapes before they're fully ripened :
An Orient purple here and there beginnes to grow on some.	An Orient purple here and there begins to grow on some.	610
Which things assoone as in the spring he did beholde againe,	Which things as soon as saw again in his reflection in the spring,
He could no longer beare it out. But fainting straight for paine,	He could no longer bear it. But fainted immediately from the pain,
As lith and supple waxe doth melt against the burning flame,	As lithe and supple wax melts against the burning flame,
Or morning dewe against the Sunne that glareth on the same :	Or morning dew against the Sun that glares on the same :
Even so by piecemale being spent and wasted through desire,	Being spent and wasted through desire, just like that piece by piece
Did he consume and melt away with Cupids secret fire.	Was he consumed and melted away by Cupid's secret fire.
His lively hue of white and red, his cheerefulnesse and strength	His lively hue of white and red, his cheerfulness and strength
And all the things that lyked him did wanze away at length.	And all his good characteristics faded away at length.
So that in fine remayned not the bodie which of late	So that finally the body no longer remained which of late
The wretched Echo loved so. Who when she sawe his state,	The wretched Echo had loved so. Who when she saw his state,	620
Although in heart she angrie were, and mindefull of his pride,	Although in heart she was angry, and mindful of his pride,
Yet ruing his unhappie case, as often as he cride	Yet ruing his unhappy case, as often as he cried
Alas, she cride alas likewise with shirle redoubled sound.	Alas, she cried alas likewise with shrill redoubled sound.
And when he beate his breast, or strake his feete agaynst the ground,	And when he beat his breast, or struck his feet against the ground,
She made like noyse of clapping too. These are the wordes that last	She made the same noise of clapping too. These are the words that last
Out of his lippes beholding still his woonted ymage past.	Out of his lips she still beholds his beloved image past.
Alas sweete boy belovde in vaine, farewell. And by and by	Alas sweet boy loved in vain, farewell. And by and by
With sighing sound the selfe same wordes the Echo did reply.	With sighing sound the self-same words the Echo did reply.
With that he layde his wearie head against the grassie place,	With that he laid his weary head against the grassy place,
And death did cloze his gazing eyes that woondred at the grace	And death closed his gazing eyes that wondered at the grace	630
And beautie which did late adorne their Masters heavenly face.	And beauty which did late adorn their Master's heavenly face.
And afterward when into Hell receyved was his spright,	And afterwards when his spirit was received in Hell,
He goes me to the Well of Styx, and there both day and night	He went to the Well of Styx, and there both day and night
Standes tooting on his shadow still as fondely as before.	Stands gazing on his shadow still as fondly as before.
The water Nymphes his sisters wept and wayled for him sore,	The water Nymphs his sisters wept and wailed for him sorely,
And on his bodie strowde their haire dipt off and shorne therefore.	And on his body was strewn their hair that they had cut off for him.
The Woodnymphes also did lament. And Echo did rebound	The Wood nymphs lamented also. And Echo rebounded
To every sorrowfull noyse of theirs with like lamenting sound.	Every sorrowful noise of theirs with a likewise lamenting sound.
The fire was made to burne the corse, and waxen Tapers light.	The fire was made to burn the corpse, and waxed Tapers were lit.
A Herce to lay the bodie on with solemne pompe was dight.	A Hearse to lay the body on was adorned with solemn pomp.	640
But as for bodie none remaind : In stead thereof they found	But as for the body none remained : Instead they found
A yellow floure with milke white leaves new sprong upon the ground.	A yellow flower with milk-white leaves newly sprung from the ground.
This matter all Achaia through did spreade the Prophets fame :	This matter spread the Prophet's fame all through Achaia :
That every where of just desert renowmed was his name.	So that everywhere in justly deserving manner his name was renowned.

introduction to the golden dragon

i have a date with destiny
just two days ago i was engulfed in icy winter
and i thought i was happy
but on sight of her fire my will to fight reignited
and the icicles on my eyelids melted
and my heart resumed beating
beating
beating
like my wings will when i flap them
as they dry and catch fire
and i now see the future
i'm engulfed in a flame
that will leave me in ashes
and out of those ashes
i will be born me again

the slam

i wrote this piece because i want to make peace with the fact that the act of standing before you
must fit with the rhyme scheme and theme that seems to be what we poets call
slam
i stand up and recite what took many a night to engrave on my brain which to you might seem plain
but that's because i accidentally buried the spice and i've got to get you to bite
in order to taste it

slam
a form of poetry where the art is in showing depth on the surface,
because you can't press pause, nor silence applause, nor show subtitles
or cute diagrams with notes in the margins
the only notes i have to share will tell you that i'm a writer, not a singer

here i'm forced to wear a heart on my sleeve
but what happens i want to
touch
with the untouchable
love
with the unlovable

so like a lyre bird i mimic all i hear
i'm a thief who steals belief by hiding honesty in hospitable-seeming holes
and i sing
i sing to play the game
i sing to be heard
i sing a song so desperate to mingle my memes and yours for high scores

and more exposure

so i maintain composure while composing beats to which i can't tap my feet because that's how it's done
if it's fun to hear then it can't possibly be poetry
all because a futurist said "make it new" though we knew that there is nothing new under the sun
or maybe i just misplaced a "k", okay, so let me say that again
slowly
he said "make it knew" / stop the beat
that we "new" / we're too old
there is nothing "knew" / in hip-hop feet

what a waste of time, seeking out the sublime in a trick or two for a simple number from a few of you
who'll struggle to rank my lines between rank and fine then hold up the signs that will enshrine my designs
or resign them

the yawning gap
between my teeth
and your ears
makes me grind
my gears in order to play on your fears or squeeze tears that sympathize with my piece
whose length i've increased to include all these thoughts, now deceased post-ritual spiritual release
and i'll cease just before the stopwatch says three
a nice number, just long enough to keep your attention on me
then free your minds from the grip of my imagination
giving others a chance for participation in our hallucination of a nation of image mages and manipulation

a nation that doesn't stand a chance in the world outside because nobody's
listening
a world that's gotten worse which is both a blessing and a curse
as our literacy improves while our content becomes less contentious
and thoughtless words fly through the ether like birds of prey hunting meager morsels
love is just a like and a share away but there're no real people left with whom to play

...

i laid waste to days as i came up with a phrase so becoming of praise
that you'll let me stay on the stage

for one more song
for one more chance to prove that i belong

acupuncture

i.

i sit quietly watching the man seeking my soft spots with nimble fingers
sliding in the needles, head, neck, belly, arms
i'm frozen in perfect meditation
gently, he pushes me onto my back
then disappears

slowly, steadily, an agonizing burn begins in my core
spreading outward, hitting every nerve
it's a death knell
i'm hemorrhaging
alone
frozen
in the dark

ii.

the tool will keep digging
but i'm definitely feeling something
in my belly
hot metal spikes bring me to auralgasm
and i scream silently as i implode
filling my empty spaces
with the solace of shattered solitude

play it again
please
let me feel that again

your first snow

[or, "possibly one of the reasons why you're my ex"]

i love watching you fall

though you bare your clenched teeth and breathe seething disbelief at my mirth
as if i've just given birth to the ugliest baby, that can't possibly be yours

your scowl as you crawl back up makes me howl inside
knowing that you're not giving up only because there's no getting off this ride
and you're still not having any fun
in spite of yourself

but don't listen to me

just like the time when you were mad at me for when you hid the cookies on the highest shelf
because you began some new diet that i warned you myself was a mistake
just another misdirection by some guru that you saw on the television
transmitting an all-knowing, omnipotent, telling-you vision
that happiness and self-satisfaction can only be achieved through martyrdom
then, you tuned me out because the man in the studio
convinced you that i know nothing worth saving
as i preach consumption of the non-materialist kind that self-helplessness books avoid
because their bread and butter can only fall money-side down

i love watching you fall

because each time you crawl back up
you're faster, and stronger, and last a little bit longer than before
though it all feels the same to you
because
montages
only
happen
in
the movies

what's wrong with this picture?

i select my filter, snap and send
but it's not enough to transmit the sharp dry cold air stinging my nostrils as i inhale
warm hands hidden in warm gloves in warm pockets while the chilly breeze bites my cheeks
nor is it enough to share the trail of pedestrians that i've passed
each gift-wrapped smile or nod a simple pleasure as we hug ourselves and face this weather together

i can capture the far-away fairy-tale tower beneath a tuft of cloud
visible between the quiet street buildings, sparkling in the morning sun so sweetly that i position myself in the shade to get the shot although there's a sunny spot right beside me

later i'll use filters and effects to share the feeling i get when i look into my net to see what i've caught
but it's not what i want because what's missing

is me
and what's left
is a lack
of a sense
of my experience

throw poetry collective - the first lie

3... 2... 1... throw!
clap!

each month i come in
purifying myself in pleasurable sin
hoping that after the last time
my womb will still bleed words that rhyme
because my silence would tell you
that something bigger's brewing
that i'm hewing and i'm sewing and i'm suing
my muses for damages and pride
for taking me for a ride, no, a glide
then a slide, slipping in and out
as we spun around on a roundabout
the score cards waving up and down
to make the riders smile or frown

it was against my will, you see
though i never said "no", just a soft "maybe"
as i heard the staged rage leave the page
and felt the smug words, some quite sage
seep across the crowded floor
now here i am, i'm back for more

the quebec immigration song

words make reality

never has this simple statement meant so much to me
as when i walk out inspired by some poetry
and realize
that all i have worried about for months are words
all i have worked towards
words
all i have talked about
words
unpretentious, unimaginative, first words

my future a split infinity
of highlights and downward spirals
each silver-tained shard reflecting a fantasy
and i can only choose
if i use
the right words

how absurd, that i've been caught up in this war that i've been brought up to see as sheer folly
like most wars
but here i am
forced to hold a gun up to my own tongue and
"speak!
don't be nervous, that'll only make this worse
be clear and precise
and concise would be nice"
with my ear that sears the edges of each sound ground out by the machine that will spit out
a "pass" or a "fail"
"free parking" or "go to jail"

and so i pull the trigger but there's no "bang"
just blood pouring from my prosthetic tongue onto unfamiliar feet
with s-s-stuttering nonsense and nothing like the beat of my heart
from whom my thoughts part the darts that i blow from my lips, that trip and teeter
et finalement tombent

laundry rhyme

my socks all went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah
my socks all went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah
my socks all went in two by two,
and that's precisely how i knew
the machine had eaten one, it'll never be seen again