Wednesday, June 13, 2012

sex education as done by the wondering workshop

everything begins, and ends, with an orgy. everything is better with lesbians. the funny thing about birds and trees is that if the birds aren't getting it on then the trees don't get to reproduce. even piloting a giant disguised in fur through virtual bowels is not enough to dampen sexual urges.

when an author loves a subject very much, he pulls out his pen and begins to tentatively stroke the pages with it until he believes that he is performing satisfactorily. he then dives in, eventually, sometimes fairly quickly, sometimes after only a few words if he's a poet, covering the pages with his ink in what he hopes is an experience as enjoyable and climactic for the reader as it is for him. sometimes there is no climax, which can be a frustrating experience for everyone - although there are always some people who appear to enjoy it anyway. sometimes, if lots of people are enjoying an author who is taking his time, he will die before finishing and that will leave a bitter taste of disappointment; it has become fairly common, when this happens, for someone on the receiving end to attempt to reanimate the author and flog his remains into completing the ritual. this is usually a very bad idea, and should be made illegal.

some authors will write to just about anybody willing to pay for text, regardless of subject, and we call these authors "whores".

both whores and regular writers are usually not possessed of the means to have text without approaching a publisher, who for a significant cut of the profits will advance cash and dictate the ways in which their subject expresses itself.

as virginia woolf said: an author really should have a room of his own in order to perform.

the biggest issue with text is the danger of getting a Textually Transmitted Derangement; there is no known cure, and the only known form of prevention is abstinence. be selective in your reading!

no need to worry about performing textual acts in front of the wondering workshop: we're always happy to show you how to do it better.

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